Let Me Know...

“Let me know if there is anything I can do?” Caregivers hear this phrase a lot. We know you are sincere, but most of us do not want to ask for help. It is much easier to accept when a specific offer is made. Many of the things we need are mundane and it seems wrong to ask help with chores. However, if you offer to do something specific, it doesn’t feel as awkward.

If you live nearby, ask if you can help with routine errands such as picking up or returning library books or DVDs. Say, “Hey, I’m going to the library, do you need me to pick up a book or do you have any books you need returned?” or “I’m going to the Redbox, do you have any movies you would like to see or any that need to be returned?” I know in my household, movies and books are frequently forgotten until the last moment and at the most inconvenient time. (Thankfully, I have gone almost entirely digital or I would be paying late fees continually!) If you make regular trips to the library or video store you could make a standing appointment. If you offer to do a specific task, we are more likely to accept the help.

Transportation is another area in which we are constantly needing assistance. With a diagnosis of dementia, driving privileges are often quick to go. We have to get not only ourselves to appointments and commitments, but now we have to get our spouse to their appointments and commitments. Are you free during the day? You can offer to take our loved one to a Bible study, daycare, or haircut. I had a friend in Illinois who would take Stephan to get a haircut every month. It may seem silly, but I was grateful to have one less thing to do. 

Are you free on the weekend? You could offer to take our loved one to worship. I play piano for our small church and I have to hire an aide to get Stephan ready for church and to transport him to church. If I didn’t have long term care insurance, I wouldn’t be able to afford the aide. Without our aide, Stephan would not be able to go to church and I would not be able to play for the service. Take the time to think about where they would have gone in the past and offer to help them get there now that there is only one driver in the household.

Do you have time to take our spouse shopping when it is our birthday or anniversary? It makes Stephan sad that I am the one who takes him shopping for a card or gift for me. Last year I gave his companion some money and a list of gift cards to purchase. His companion took him “shopping”. Even though I picked out my gift, Stephan felt like he had participated. This year I had to buy my own gift, but once again I gave it to his companion and she told him she had procured the gift. If you know the caregiver well enough,  you could help their spouse purchase a gift so that the caregiver would not have to pick out their own gift.

Are you an organizer? You could offer to organize our loved one’s medications: make a chart or put them into pill boxes. You could help organize all of our medical records so that we can easily find the information we need when we are at a doctor’s appointment. There are many resources for organizing our care plans, records, and insurance into a binder. Help us to put that binder together.

Other ideas to help might include: walking the dog, feeding the dog, taking the dog to the groomer (can you tell I have a dog?). If there are children in the household, offer to babysit or take them to soccer practice or dance class. Once again, think of the errands you have to run and offer to help the caregiver get these errands done. Listen to the caregiver, they may give you clues to specific needs. All of these small gestures mean more than you will ever know.