The Butterfly Has Escaped

    This last couple of months has been a rebirth for me. I’m not really sure what happened, but somewhere, somehow a switch has been flipped. On a cruise with my sister in May, she and I were talking as she was now dating after her divorce and I told her that I really wanted to date again. She said to me, “Martha, you are not ready to date yet.” This was a surprise to hear her say that. Most people want you to move on after a year, but I was already past the two year mark. I asked her why she said that and she said, “You haven’t let go of him yet.”

    On June 9, I drove to Austin as my sister and I were leaving the next morning to visit Las Vegas. I arrived in Austin mid-afternoon and Maria, my sister, told me there was a wine walk at the Hill Country Galleria. We decided to check it out; many of the stores were serving tastes of various wines to enjoy while you shopped. One of the shops we entered was a store that sold different kinds of signs with various quotes, some funny and some encouraging. One in particular caught my eye, 

I thought about it and realized that was what I needed to do. I bought the sign and took it home. 

Since Stephan’s death I had been wearing his wedding ring on a necklace so that it was always close to my heart. I thought about what Maria had said and decided maybe it was time to take off the ring. I would never forget Stephan, he will always be in my heart, but maybe it was time to take off the visible reminder and look to the future.

When we returned from Las Vegas, we decided to visit my father for Father’s Day. On Sunday morning, Maria and I were laying in bed looking at our phones (isn’t that how we all wake up?) I was checking e-mails and she was looking at a dating app. I started looking over her shoulder to see the profiles she was swiping. Maria lives in Austin, so the dating pool is just a little larger than Paris, however, my curiosity was peaked. I met Stephan on a dating app and I wondered what kind of men might be available in Paris. I downloaded the app and started browsing. As I suspected, the list of men in Paris was limited, but when I expanded the search to add Dallas, the list grew much larger. I paid for a one month subscription and decided to give it a try.

Most of the men I found turned out to be scammers or not a match. However, I did start talking to one gentleman, Holt. It only took me one week of chatting to have a meltdown. At least I lasted a week. I sent him a crazy journal entry I had written about how broken I was and how vulnerable I felt. Without going into a lot of details, he graciously gave me another chance and we continued our conversations. 

A few weeks later I was heading to New England for another trip and was staying in Dallas the night before in order to catch a very early morning flight. Holt and I agreed it was time to meet in person. OMG, all of a sudden I was facing my first “first date” in twenty years!! I was ready 45 minutes earlier than I needed to be and found myself shaking uncontrollably. We had already agreed that nothing had to change regardless of what happened on the date. We enjoyed talking on the phone and would continue to do so even after the date. I texted him, “I need a drink!” He asked, “You okay?” I told him I was and he asked, “Thirsty?” to which I responded, “Yeah, let’s go with that.” He said he was headed to the restaurant if I wanted to meet him there for a pre-drink. I guess he was nervous too. I said I would be there in five minutes. 

We met in the parking lot and went inside to have a drink before dinner. The date went better than I had anticipated and we had a good time just talking. At this point, I don’t know if the relationship will go anywhere, but I have definitely made a good friend. 

I went to New England the next day to join a Road Scholar tour. Road Scholar is an organization that conducts learning trips for “mature” Americans. I was going to have a roommate that I had never met, so once again my nerves began to emerge. Fortunately, my roommate, Desiree or Des, and I clicked immediately and became fast friends. We were very close in age which was a good thing since the rest of the participants were at least fifteen to twenty years our senior. Des was dating a man 13 years younger than herself and the rest of our group started calling us “the cougars.”

 

Over the next week, Des and I spent a lot of time talking, comparing stories, and laughing. We had so much in common! One night we found out that our bus driver’s boss was playing in a piano bar only fifteen minutes from where we were staying. We commandeered the bus and took a group of twelve to the piano bar and had a couple of hours of great fun! The atmosphere in the piano bar reminded me of my college days and I felt energized being around music and people. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could enjoy life.

Somewhere in these last few weeks, a switch was flipped. I realized that I was happy. It was a feeling that was somewhat foreign. I had not been happy for the last six years and now all of a sudden I felt like I could breathe again. I came home and told my friend, Karol Lyn, “We are not going to meet any men in our living rooms, we need to start going out!” Karol Lyn is also single and she replied, “Well, not in Paris.” We have decided that when we are both available we are going to start going out to neighboring towns and visiting establishments that we enjoy. If we are going to find a man, we would like him to enjoy the things we enjoy. If we place ourselves in places we like to frequent, the theory is that we will find like-minded men. If we don't find a man, we have had a good time anyway.

All of this to say, that something happened in the last two months and I feel hopeful again; not only hopeful, but actually happy! I am happy with my life and I am hopeful that I will find a partner with whom I can share it. I don’t NEED to find that partner, but I hope I do.

When I told Holt that he had created a monster, he replied, “I think the butterfly has finally escaped her cocoon.” 

I think he’s right.