I'll Bring a Casserole

 

That’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that someone is facing a crisis, illness, death, etc. I’m an excellent cook (I was a finalist in the Cook of the Week competition in Chicago), but even I am thankful for the meals that are delivered by friends. There are some pros and cons to bringing meals to a caregiver. There are also alternatives to bringing a casserole that will work whether you live down the street or across the country. 
First let’s discuss the pros and cons of bringing meals. Pros for the caregiver include not having to cook one or more nights, fewer nights for meal planning, and less time and money spent at the grocery store. All of these pros help to conserve the caregiver’s energy and resources at a time when these resources are being stretched to the limit. It may seem like a small thing, but sometimes a small thing is all we need to remind us that we are not alone.
Cons for the caregiver include getting too many meals at once, getting food they or their loved one will not or cannot eat due to allergies, likes/dislikes, and dietary restrictions, and sometimes, promises of meals that do not appear.
Let’s talk about ways to minimize the cons. Keep in mind, even if you don’t follow my suggestions, don’t use them as a reason not to help. Any effort is helpful and we are grateful.
If you are going to bring a meal I have a few suggestions: 

1. Don’t ask if you can bring a meal – ask when you can bring a meal. There is a minute difference in the two questions and the difference makes it easier for us to accept. Ask what day and time would be convenient. There may be certain days on which a meal would be a gift from heaven and others where it will end up in the refrigerator or freezer to be reheated. It is unnerving for a caregiver to know that you are planning to bring a meal, but not knowing what day you plan to do so. Please be specific as to when you will deliver the food. 

1. Are there any likes/dislikes, allergies, or dietary restrictions? When I became a caregiver I tended to eat a lot of comfort food which began to show on my waist. A lot of the meals that were delivered to us included pasta and bread, two items that I was trying to avoid. However, the idea of not having to cook a meal was so welcome, that I gladly ate whatever was delivered. At the same time, I wished that someone would have brought me fewer carbs so I could watch my diet at the same time. In other cases, there may be medically necessary dietary restrictions. A simple question can help you avoid any missteps.

1. If you offer to bring a meal, especially if you are in a group that is offering to provide meals on a regular basis, make sure you follow through. Referring back to #1, it is very stressful to wonder whether a meal is coming or not. Set a specific time and day and then be there at the agreed upon time. I had a group offer to bring meals on a weekly basis. However, communication was not good. Each week I wondered whether or not a meal was coming and, if so, which day. This made planning meals and grocery shopping difficult as I wasn’t sure what I needed or for how many days I needed meals. In the end, the weekly meals lasted only three weeks. I never said anything to the group leader because it was like asking someone to give me a gift. Please don’t make us ask you for a gift you offered to give.

1. Offer to have a pizza delivered (or tacos, or barbecue, or chicken…..)

1. Ask about favorite restaurants and give a gift card.

1. Bring takeout and stay to eat and visit with us. Sometimes we don’t get out very often and we would love the conversation.

1. You can send a delivery service gift card such as DoorDash, GrubHub, or UberEats. Make sure that the service you choose is available in the area. Here in my town, we only have DoorDash.

1. Send a meal kit. Make sure that the caregiver would like a meal kit and/or has the skills to prepare it.

1. Offer to pick up groceries or have them delivered. (I will talk more about grocery delivery in my next post.)

1. Offer to pickup items that are used on a regular basis. When Stephan began losing the use of his right hand, he would frequently drop plates or glasses. Needless to say, we now eat on paper plates most of the time. Are you going to Costco or Sams? Pick up a box of paper plates, or paper towels, or toilet paper, or bottled water, or K-cups, or cleaning supplies… I promise you, we can use them. Ask what items would be most helpful and don’t forget to ask if we have room to store 80 rolls of toilet paper before you show up with them.

What do you do if you don’t like to cook or you live too far away? There are still things you can do in this area that can be very helpful.
Caregiving for a person with dementia or another terminal disease like ALS can be a long-term process. We are in this for the long haul; don’t forget to keep supporting us even after the first couple of months. The path we are walking may last years and these small gifts are like water stations for the runners in a marathon. Your small kindness may be just what we need to keep going for the next stretch.