Put on Your Oxygen Mask

We have all heard the speech, “Put on your oxygen mask before assisting others.” Yet, as caregivers, we tend to worry about everyone else before we take care of ourselves. With the holiday season upon us, it is critical that we take care of ourselves NOW. 

I know all of the excuses – I’ve used them on myself.

“Self-care is selfish.” Not only is self-care not selfish, it is critical. If I never take a moment for myself, it is a given that I will burnout. If I don’t take care of myself physically, I will eventually get sick or hurt myself. When I am sick or hurt I will not be able to care for my loved one.

“There is no one who can take care of him/her like I can.” This is probably true. However, if I burnout, get sick, or get hurt – and I will – someone else will be taking care of them anyway.

“I don’t have any help so I don’t have time to take care of myself.” This might be true, but more than likely I haven’t asked anyone. Most of the time I wait for someone to offer; I have to learn to ask for the help I need.

I know you know have heard this all before and yet here we are – still wondering how to fit self-care into our busy caregiving schedule. Let’s talk about some baby steps for getting started on self-care. I promise that once you try it, you’ll see it makes you a better caregiver.

One of the easiest ways to care for yourself is to start by lowering your expectations wherever possible. Lower your expectations for housekeeping. If there are dishes in the sink, give yourself some grace and let them go for an evening. Look at your to-do list. What absolutely has to get done? What are the items that are bringing self-induced stress into your life? I am really good at causing my own stress. I have goals to write my books and get them done on my deadlines. However, I have to remember, they are my deadlines. It has taken me some time, but I am learning to give myself grace when I don’t reach my self-imposed goals. We have enough stress in our lives as caregivers, we don’t need to add to our own stress. Look around you – where are you adding unnecessary stress to your life? Keep reading – I will give you some ways to implement this in the upcoming holidays below.

Another easy way to reduce our stress is to learn to say “no!” I have always been involved in a lot of activities. If a friend asks me to go out or to help with a project, I almost always say “yes.” In the last few years, I have been learning to turn down invitations and requests. Sometimes I have the energy to agree and when that is the case, the invitation or request may take the form of self-care. However, if I start to feel stress when I think about the event, I know it is time to back out. With all of the festivities for the upcoming holiday season, check your stress level, and cut out any activities that are going to raise that level. Give yourself permission to do only the activities that make you happy. Explain to your friends and family that you are learning to simplify and that your refusal to participate is not personal, but a self-preservation technique.

Take the time to make two lists, one list of all the activities that fill your tank, and another list of the activities that drain your tank. Make a conscious effort to add the activities that fill your tank and to delete the activities that drain your tank. Simple activities that may fill your tank could include: reading a book, watching a movie, listening (dancing) to music, doing puzzles, taking a walk, taking a bath, getting a massage or a mani/pedi. Not all of the activities that drain our tank can be deleted, but look for anything that can be set aside and then do it. 

Meditation or mindfulness exercises may be helpful. There are many apps that can guide you through meditation. Look for the one that works for you and find a few minutes a day to find your quiet place.

Physical exercise is not only good for our body, but it is also good for our emotional and mental health. This is an area I in which I’d like to improve. If you have some easy ways to do this, I’d love to hear your ideas. 

In this same arena – do not neglect your doctor and dentist appointments. Taking care of your physical health is extremely important if you want to be the best caregiver you can be. 

Make sure to get enough sleep. I have had to hire overnight help so that I can sleep in another room. You may not be able to hire help, but maybe you could find someone to help out one night a week. Ask one of those friends who always says, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”

Look for inspiration wherever you can find it. Make a list of inspiring quotes and tape it to your bathroom mirror or in your closet so that you see it every morning. Remind yourself in the words of A.A. Milne, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Do you have a creative side? Find ways to lean into your creativity. There are adult coloring books and apps, play a musical instrument, or pick up a favorite hobby. If nothing else, sing in the car or the shower. Sometimes we need something that is completely unrelated to our caregiving life to allow our brain to rest. If you can be creative with friends, you double the effect.

Now back to those holidays – here is another area in which you need to lower your expectations. Simplify, simplify, simplify. I have a closet full of Christmas decorations. This year I will probably only use half of the decorations I have. Find a teenager to put up and decorate your tree. Use gift bags instead of wrapping. Ask everyone in the family, “What is the one thing you must have to make it Christmas.” Then only do the “one things”. Buy your Christmas dinner pre-cooked and then just warm it up. Instead of buying gifts for everyone, draw names and let everyone buy for only one person. In our family, we all have everything we need, we have decided to buy gifts only for the grandchildren.

There are, of course, bigger ways to do self-care. Taking a few nights away every three or four months can go a long way to staving off burnout and reenergizing you. Finding an adult daycare or hiring help during the day so that you can get time off every week is another great way to find time for yourself. If you have the resources to make this happen – DO IT!!

As you can tell, I think self-care is extremely important. Even if you can’t do the big things, find an hour to yourself, have a friend come over and sit with your loved one so you can take a bath. If you are the friend, offer to give the caregiver an hour to themselves. The alternative to self-care is a life of burnout, stress, and stress related diseases. 

What are some ideas you have used for self-care? Share them in the comments, but don’t forget to put your oxygen mask on FIRST!