A New Normal

I am quickly navigating a new normal. Stephan went into the state veterans home last week. He is learning to adjust to the home and I am learning to live in a very quiet house. This time last week I had aides twelve hours a day, a bath aide three times a week, and a nurse twice a week coming to our house. This week it is just me and the dogs. Last week I couldn’t leave the house without telling the aide where I was going or arranging for someone to be here if I didn’t have an aide. This week I keep forgetting that I can just leave. Last week I was managing medications, making sure he was eating, helping the aides with transfers, making sure we had enough of everything, and keeping the aides and the nurse up to date on the latest symptoms. This week I am a little lost as I try to fill my time.

I realized this week that I don’t like normal because it keeps changing. Just about the time I get used to our new normal, it changes again. I’ve done the research and I know that as the disease progresses it will speed up. That means this week I’m getting used to this normal, but next week I could be facing a new normal.

If you are a caregiver for someone with dementia you know that normal is never normal. Each of us faces different obstacles and progressions, but we share many things in common. Most of us are tired, overwhelmed, and lonely. Today I want to encourage you that even though your day may not look exactly like mine – you are not alone. You may feel lonely, but you are not alone! Every one of our normals is different, but everything you are facing or feeling, someone has been or is there too. Reach out to other caregivers or find a support group. You will find that you are not so different as you might think.

If you know a caregiver, know that they feel alone a lot of the time. They feel like their life will never be normal again. Take a few minutes and inject a little normalcy in their life today. Call them and let them know you are thinking of them, bring dinner over and eat with them, call and ask them out to lunch (if they can leave the house). If they feel like talking about their feelings and their life, let them. If they feel like talking about something else, let them do that too.

One other thing that came up this week, if a caregiver you know asks you to go to lunch, have a drink etc. and you cannot go, don’t wait for them to ask again, suggest another day and make the appointment with them right then and there. Caregivers second guess everything in their life, so if you turn them down and don’t make the effort to reschedule, they will probably think you don’t want to be around them – after all, their life is not normal. Don’t leave them second guessing, show them you care and make the effort to spend time with them.

New normals are a given in this journey. Hang in there and let’s hold on to each other as we navigate each one.